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I’ve just read that we’ve officially passed the halfway mark of 2025. It feels like time is speeding up, which makes now the perfect moment to slow down.

So here’s a gentle invitation for you today. Choose your own pace, even for just a few minutes.

It’s a quiet act of resistance, a boundary against the expectation to always be busy, always be responding and always be available.

If you’ve been with me over the past couple of weeks, you’ll know we’ve been unpacking procrastination and exploring it not as laziness but as wisdom from the nervous system.

This week, we’re moving into a close cousin of that response, people pleasing. Or as I’m now choosing to rebrand it, safety seeking.

For new readers, you can catch up on where we’ve been by clicking here and you’ll see that we always begin where we last left off.

Last week, I offered this prompt:

“What feelings come up for you when you think about setting a boundary or saying ‘no’ to someone?
Picture who it might be and what you wish you could say.”

I hope you found a little space to sit with that and maybe even write it down.

Now, I want to share something a little vulnerable.

I masked my people pleasing for most of my life and because I was in senior leadership roles, I convinced myself I wasn’t doing it. After all ‘leaders’ are supposed to be decisive, right?

But the truth is, I was constantly managing others’ perceptions.
Saying yes when I meant no and contorting myself to fit into systems that never truly fit me. Trying to connect by blending in.

And the people who paid the highest price for that?
My wife, my children and myself.

Because when we’re constantly trying to meet everyone else’s needs, we often abandon the people we care about most including ourselves.

So why do we keep doing it?

Because at one point, it worked and we learned that the strategies of
pleasing, appeasing, softening and fawning worked and kept us safe.

We avoided conflict and abandonment and ultimately, felt needed.

We sometimes think this is just a personality trait but it’s a nervous system response and a survival strategy.

It can quietly cost us our authenticity, our boundaries and our sense of self. It’s why some people can become workaholics and feel they have ‘no choice’ but to keep showing up to a job they hate.

But most of us do have a choice and I’m here to remind you of that.

If you recognise this pattern in yourself, you’re not broken.
You’re wise, adapted and now you get to choose something different.

Here are a few ways to begin integrating this pattern into a more grounded, whole-hearted way of being:

1.Move from automatic to aware

The first step is noticing the urge to please in real time. You might feel it in your body before your brain catches up (a flutter in the chest, a tight smile, a rushed ‘yes’ before you’ve checked in with yourself). Instead of judging it, pause and ask:

“What am I afraid might happen if I don’t say yes?”

Naming the fear gives you more choice.

2. Give your nervous system another option

People pleasing often comes from a dysregulated state, a spike in sympathetic (fight/flight) or dorsal (shut down) response.
Before reacting, try grounding yourself:
- Feel your feet on the floor
- Take a breath into your belly
- Place a hand on your heart or neck

Regulating your body helps you respond rather than react.

3. Practise ‘honest micro-moments’

You don’t have to swing from people pleasing to hard no’s.
Start with tiny, honest statements:
- “Can I get back to you on that?”
- “I need a moment to check in with myself.”
- “I’d like to help, but I’m at capacity.”

These small acts build the muscle of integrity without rupturing relationships.

4. Release the role of the Rescuer

People pleasing often places us in the Rescuer role in the drama triangle. It feels kind but it can disempower others and overburden us.

A more balanced approach is to support without self-abandonment.

You can still be caring and generous, you just don’t have to betray yourself to do it.

You’re allowed to set boundaries and take up space as your whole self. None of this is about becoming less kind, it’s about becoming more true to you.

And once we do that, we can begin to connect more deeply with others who value your truth.

It’s just a couple of days until the ACTioinsm film screening!

I’ll be hosting a showing of ACTionism with my friends at Velo Domestique in Southbourne on 10th July at 7pm.

Please spread the word, we have some tickets remaining and I’d love to get a packed room :)

This 30 minute film is a powerful way of exploring the themes of active citizenship, finding our tribe and growing from joy and connection.

It features Jon Alexander and his work through his ‘Citizens’ book.

Tickets can be found here

And the trailer is here

Something I origianally struggled with is that not everyone will want you to heal.

When you stop people pleasing, some will feel uncomfortable and maybe even resentful because your self-abandonment may have served them.

Letting go of what hurts can be painful but staying small hurts more.

So here’s today’s prompt for reflection:

“Who might lose out if I stop over-giving and am I willing to let that go?”

This is where the Daring begins. Next week, we’ll explore what it really means to reclaim your power and your part in the pattern.

Until then, go gently.

Nick