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Many of us are now slowing down or stepping away from work for the festive break. I hope you can too.

This time of year often invites reflection on what’s been and what we hope for next. I may lean more into that next week but today something more immediate feels worth sharing.

For the first time ever, I cancelled an event.

Last week we were due to host the third of The Natural Network gatherings, themed around Wintering. So it feels fitting that winter weather scuppered our plans.

These gatherings are designed around the natural rhythms of nature, gentle reminders that we are nature and that forcing productivity without rest eventually leads to burnout. They’re invitations to slow down, not push through.

When my co-host Kate and I saw the storm warning for Thursday, concern crept in. Our original back-up (a community polytunnel), had already been destroyed in a previous storm. Kate had since built an extension to a covered structure, so shelter was possible but not in 55mph winds, sideways rain and flooded country roads.

We explored alternative venues, changing the date and every option in between. None of it felt right. We knew cancelling was the right decision but part of us didn’t want to accept it.

And that’s what I want to explore with you this week: parts.

We often say things like “part of me wants to do this” or “I’m torn”. That language is more literal than we realise. We are made up of many different parts, each with their own perspectives, fears and intentions.

This sits at the heart of ‘Internal Family Systems’ (IFS), a powerful and compassionate model developed by Dr Richard C. Schwartz. It’s been profoundly influential in my own healing journey and it shapes how I work in coaching and group spaces.

IFS suggests that we all have parts that learned how to help us survive. Some are more visible, others we push away. When we don’t recognise them, they can end up running the show without us realising.

If you’re curious to explore this more deeply, I can’t recommend Schwartz’s book No Bad Parts highly enough - he explains it far better than I can in a newsletter although I’ll give it a go below…

As a very brief outline, IFS talks about exiles - parts of us that carry wounds, often from early experiences and were pushed out of awareness because it didn’t feel safe to feel them.

Then there are protectors, whose job is to stop those wounds from being re-activated. Some are managers (planning, organising, controlling), others are firefighters (more reactive, impulsive or extreme).

Here’s how that showed up for me last week.

I’m aware of an exiled part that holds a young fear of being unwanted or left out. When I host events, that part can quietly worry: what if no one turns up? I can almost picture a six-year-old version of me, waiting alone. So when people did choose to come to an event, I was trying to avoid any risk of unsettling that.

My manager part stepped in as the organiser - efficient, solution-focused, trying to control the situation by finding alternatives. That felt productive and reassuring… until the options ran out and the weather worsened.

As my nervous system became more activated, another protector appeared: a firefighter I’ll call the blind optimist. Well-intentioned, slightly childlike, insisting we could just push through. Helpful in some moments - but not the most grounded or responsible part when people’s safety is involved.

Thankfully, I noticed what was happening. I slowed down, listened to the different parts, appreciated what each was trying to protect and then made the decision from a more integrated place.

We cancelled, communicated clearly and trusted ourselves.

It was absolutely the right call, people were understanding, supportive, and keen to rebook for our next event at the end of January.

Richard Schwartz describes this grounded inner leadership as Self energy, characterised by what he calls the Eight Cs and what can ground us when we feel our parts are running the show:

• Curiosity

• Calm

• Confidence

• Compassion

• Creativity

• Clarity

• Courage

• Connectedness

Finding the curiosity at this time of year

When we begin to see our behaviours not as ‘bad’ but as coping strategies that once made sense, something softens. We can become curious about what a part is trying to protect, rather than criticising ourselves for having it in the first place. And from there, real choice opens up.

As we move into Christmas, many of us return to familiar environments and roles. The peacemaker, the organiser, the one who stays quiet, the one who becomes reactive more quickly than they’d like.

If you notice yourself feeling triggered, notice the part of you stepping in to protect something deeper.

Here’s a gentle Christmas practice you might like to try:

When you notice a reaction rising - irritation, defensiveness, withdrawal, pause for a moment. If it feels possible, place a hand on your body and quietly say to yourself:

“I notice a part of me is activated right now.”

You might then ask, with curiosity rather than judgement:
”What is this part worried might happen? What is it trying to protect me from?”

You don’t need an answer and you don’t need to change anything. Often, the act of noticing with compassion is enough to help your more integrated Self come back online, bringing a little more calm, clarity and choice into the moment.

If you’d like a light-hearted introduction to these ideas over the festive break, the Pixar films Inside Out and Inside Out 2 (shown in the image above) highlight these IFS ideas as a surprisingly wise reflection on which parts take the lead at different times.

I hope Christmas brings moments of rest, warmth and kindness both towards others and towards yourself.

With warmth,

Nick

Well that’s it for another week. But we don’t have to stop there.

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