Hello Subscriber First Name

I’m really enjoying the weekly rhythm of writing these newsletters and it means a great deal that you choose to open, read and reflect with me.

I’ve come to realise that sharing what I discover on my own path and by thinking aloud, is just as much part of my own growth as anything I might hope it sparks for you.

We’ve certainly covered lots of ground and I’m proud of the 15 themes we’ve explored. If you’d like a reminder of what we’ve unpacked, please click here to see our journey.

But before we get too deep into this week’s exploration, let’s return to the reflection we closed with last time:

“Who might lose out if I stop over-giving and am I willing to let that go?”

I’m pleased to report that I actually sat down and journalled on this today and it stirred some honest insights. How about you? Did you find a moment to pause with this question?

A lot of my work revolves around systems. The inner systems that shape who we are (like belief systems and nervous systems), the relational systems we’re part of (at work, in families, communities) and the wider systems we move within (social, political, ecological).

Systems are interconnected, interdependent and often self-regulating. When one part changes, others must adapt.

It’s how a system preserves its sense of balance.

So what happens when a relational system between people begins to shift, especially if one person starts growing, setting boundaries or stepping into a new way of being?

In a healthy system, change is welcomed. The people involved genuinely want the best for one another without control, guilt or personal gain.
But many of us live and work within less than ideal systems, where roles are fixed, stories are entrenched and change can feel like betrayal.

To unpack this, I want to share a model from transactional analysis called the Drama Triangle. It’s a powerful lens for understanding how we unconsciously play out roles like Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor and how these roles keep us stuck.

But there’s good news, this triangle has an empowered counterpart.

So before we look at how to make the shift, here’s a diagram that outlines both the Drama Triangle and the Empowerment Triangle, two very different ways of being in relationships…

Once you’ve seen the Drama Triangle in action in your relationships, it can be a little startling. But that moment of recognition is also the first step toward something better.

For me, I often found myself in the role of Rescuer.

I cared deeply and I wanted to help. But I’ve come to see how that help sometimes disempowered others. I was guessing what people needed, jumping in too quickly and taking on responsibilities that weren’t mine to hold.

Training as a coach helped me reframe that instinct. Now, instead of rescuing and providing answers, I sit alongside people where they are with presence, not pressure and I hold space instead of taking over.

This is what moving into the Empowerment Triangle can look like and it’s a shift anyone can begin to make.

Here are three simple ways to start:

1. Pause before you help

Before stepping in, ask yourself:

“Have they asked for support or am I assuming they need it?”

2. Stay with your own emotions

If someone else is upset, it’s OK to feel empathy. But notice if you're starting to feel responsible for their feelings. That’s usually the signal that you're sliding into Rescuer mode. Ground yourself by saying:

“Their reaction is theirs. My job is to stay connected, not to control the outcome.”

3. Choose curiosity over control

Whether you're used to rescuing, reacting or retreating, one of the most powerful tools is curiosity.

Try this instead of advice or defensiveness:

“What do you need right now?”

Asking rather than assuming shifts the whole energy of the interaction.

These may seem like small changes, but they create ripples. And over time, those ripples shape new patterns, new boundaries, and new kinds of relationships, with others and with yourself.

If you're starting to see your own triangle patterns and want to explore how to shift them, I’d love to support you when the time feels right.

I’m very pleased to say that the ACTionism screening in Southbourne was a great success. I wrote about the experience and posted some pictures over on my LinkedIn page here,

And the next event in the diary will be when I co-host the next People, Planet, Pastry at Patch in Bournemouth. It’s always the last Thursday of the month so that will be 31st July at 10am.

Booking details can be found here.

Not everyone will welcome your shift.

When we step out of habitual roles especially those that once kept the peace, it can feel unsettling. That discomfort is part of the untangling and it means something old is loosening its grip.

And when that happens, something else becomes available, perspective.

Instead of being inside the pattern, we begin to observe it. We notice the shape of the system. The push and pull of the role we’ve been cast in (or cast ourselves in) and the space between stimulus and response.

This is where choice lives. And that shift from reaction to observation?
That’s where the real transformation begins.

So here’s your prompt for this week:

“What happens when I observe the pattern, rather than react to it?”

Next week, we’ll explore what opens up when we add a new dimension to the triangle and why perspective might just be the most powerful position of all.

As always, with compassion and curiosity,

Nick